


Hell Block Tango

by biancababy



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Cell Block Tango, Multi, Songfic, there are others but shhhh that's a surprise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-06 14:29:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17346914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biancababy/pseuds/biancababy
Summary: “And now, the six merry murderers of the Bad Place Jail, in their rendition of theHell Block Tango."The fic that nobody asked for but I wrote anyway.





	Hell Block Tango

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to read this in everyone's voices, especially Jason's.

When she came to, Mindy was sitting in a rather uncomfortable chair in the pitch dark, but she couldn’t seem to move her body.

An eerie voice sounded out of the darkness.  

“And now, the six merry murderers of the Bad Place Jail, in their rendition of the _Hell_ _Block_ _Tango.”_

Music started to play, seemingly out of nowhere, but was quickly replaced by a soft percussion.

_Click-click click click_

_Click-click click click..._

A second voice spoke.

“Boots.” 

Then another, this time female.

“Chicks.” 

“Sting,” said yet another voice. This continued, the random words all spoken by different voices.

“Uh-uh,” another declared, seeming confused. 

“The Palace.” 

“Demons.” 

“Boots.” 

“Chicks.” 

“Sting.” 

“Uh-uh.” 

“The Palace.” 

“Demons.”

They sped up, the words coming in rapid succession. Then a spotlight slowly lit the area in front of Mindy, so she could see the silhouettes of six people. 

More music began to play as the people repeated their words. Mindy was beginning to think that this tune seemed familiar but she couldn’t quite place it.  

“Boots!” 

“Chicks!” 

“Sting!” 

“Uh-uh!” 

“The Palace!” 

“Demons!” 

Suddenly, they all began to sing, and Mindy remembered where she had heard this song before. 

“ _They had it coming!_

_They had it coming!_

_They only had themselves to blame!_

_If you’d have been there,_

_If you’d have seen it,_

_I betcha you would have done the same!_ ”

 _It’s that fucking musical I went to see in the ‘70s,_ she thought.

The spotlight fell on one of the people in the chairs. Mindy could actually see his face now. To her surprise, it was Chidi, sporting his usual sweater vest ensemble but in all black, sitting with his elbows on his knees.

_What kind of fucking fever dream..._

“You know how people have these little habits that get you down?” He began, the other five whisper-singing the chorus behind him. “Like Henry. Henry liked to talk about his shoes. No, not his shoes. His _boots_. So I come into his office this one day, and I’m in quite the moral quandary and looking for a little sympathy. And there’s Henry, sitting at his desk, grading his papers. And as soon as he sees me he starts blabbering on about his shoes. No, his _boots_. So I said to him, I said, ‘Henry, you talk about those boots one more time.’”

He chuckled dryly, the music and voices going silent. “And he did. So I took the antique shotgun off of his wall and I fired two warning shots... into his HEAD!”

They all broke into song again.

“ _He had it coming!_

_He had it coming!_

_He only had himself to blame!_

_If you’d have been there,_

_If you’d have heard it,_

_I betcha you would have done the same!_ ”

Next was what Mindy thought was a Bad Janet until she realized that this was just a non-smiling Janet clad in leather. It was kind of terrifying, seeing the usually pleasant entity completely stoic. Janet stepped forward and began speaking.

“I met Jason Mendoza from Jacksonville about 800 reboots ago, and he was single, and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd wander off, he'd come home, I'd summon him a drink, I’d watch him have dinner. It was like heaven in a boundless void. And then I found out. 

“A ‘chick,’ he’d been calling me. ‘Chick’, my ass! Not only was he calling me a chick, oh no, he was calling me a robot!” She clenched her fists. 

“One of those dumbasses, you know,” Janet said, deadly calm once again. “So that night when he came home from wandering around, I summoned his drink as usual.” Janet giggled. “You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.” 

The music kicked back in again, and everybody sang once again. 

“ _He had it coming!_

_He had it coming!_

_He took a flower in its prime!_

_And then he used it!_

_And he abused it!_

_It was a murder but not a crime!_ ”

Janet receded into the shadows, and the spotlight followed a tall man in a black suit dragging his chair forward. He sat in it, crossing one leg on top. 

“Now I’m standing in the architect’s office," said Michael, "drawing up my latest torture plan, minding my own business, when in storms my partner Val in a jealous rage. 'YOU'VE BEEN SCREWING SHAWN!' she says. She was _crazy_ , and she kept on screaming. 'YOU'VE BEEN SCREWING SHAWN!'"

Everything went silent. "And  _then_ ," Michael laughed," she ran into my bees with teeth! She ran into my bees with teeth TEN TIMES!"

“ _If you’d have been there,_

_If you’d have seen it,_

_I betcha you would have done the same!_ ” they all sang as the light faded and repositioned itself onto Jason in a tight black t-shirt. He slumped in his seat, looking sad.

“I don’t really know why I’m here. Everybody’s saying that I murdered Janet, but I didn’t! Actually, I’m pretty sure that she murdered me. I walked to press that big red button and then Chidi dove in front of me and Janet fell on the ground. And jail isn’t as fun without Bloodhound from my 60 person dance crew back in Jacksonville. Nobody wants to dance with me here.” 

“Yeah, but did you do it?” Michael asked lazily. 

Jason’s response was simply delivered with a shrug. “Uh-uh, dawg. Not guilty.” 

“ _He had it coming..._ ”

The shadows descended once again and the light came to rest on Tahani, wearing an elegant black gown that hugged her figure before spilling out over the floor around the chair she sat on. Mindy thought that the dress was actually kind of hot, and made a mental note to remember it. 

“My sister Kamilah and I had these charity auctions, and my husband Larry Hemsworth used to travel around with us.” Tahani was leaned back in her chair, legs crossed. “Now for our last few lots, we had these figures of acrobats, doing splits, spread eagles, backflips, flip flops, one selling right after the other. Now this one night, we were staying at The Palace, where my good friend Queen Elizabeth II had _graciously_ offered to put us up for the night. The three of us were drinking some champagne, having a few laughs, when we ran out of hors d’oeuvres. So I went out to find a maid to fetch us some. And I come back, and I open the door. And there’s Kamilah and Larry, imitating lot number seventeen: the spread eagle.” 

A drum sounded and everything else fell silent as Tahani took a breath. “Why, I was in such a state of shock that I completely blacked out. I can’t remember a _thing_. It wasn’t until later, when I was washing the blood off of my hands that I even knew they were dead! 

“They had it coming!” she sang with a vengeance, “ _They had it coming!_

_They had it coming all along!_

_I didn’t do it,_

_But if I’d done it,_

_How could you tell me that I was wrong?_ ” 

“ _They had it coming,”_ she sang, now backed up by the chorus.

_“They had it coming (they had it coming)!_

_They had it coming all along (they took a flower in its prime)!_

_I didn’t do it (and then they used it),_

_But if I’d done it (and they abused it),_

_How could you tell me that I was wrong? (it was a murder, but not a crime)_ ”

As the singing died down, the spotlight fell on the final figure: Eleanor. In true _Chicago_ fashion, she was wearing sky-high black stilettos, fishnet tights, and lingerie. 

“I loved Trevor more than I can possibly say. He was a straight-up hottie, surprisingly sensitive, and an artist of torture. But he was troubled, always trying to find himself. He’d go out every night trying to find himself. And along the way, he found Vicky, Gail, Nina...” 

She paused, her lip curling with contempt. “And _Todd_.” She smirked. “I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive, but I saw him retired!”

“ _The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!_

 _The dirty bum, bum, bun, bum, bum!_ ”

The six began to sing again as they rose from their chairs. 

“ _They had it coming! (they had it coming!)_

_They had it coming! (they had it coming!)_

_They had it coming all along! (they had it coming all along!)_

_’Cause if they used us, ('cause if they used us)_

_And they abused us, (and they abused us)_

_How could you tell us that we were wrong?_ ” 

They whirled around each other while they sang, striking pose after pose in rapid succession before weaving in and out of the chairs.

“ _He had it coming! (he had it coming!)_

_He had it coming! (he had it coming!)_

_He only had himself to blame! (he only had himself to blame!)_

_If you’d have been there, (if you’d have been there,)_

_If you’d have seen it, (if you’d have seen it,)_

_I betcha you would have done the same!_ "

“You talk about those boots _one more time,”_ Chidi threatened.

“Chick, my ass!” Janet scoffed. 

“TEN TIMES!” Michael shouted. 

"Nobody wants to dance with me here," Jason sighed.

“Lot seventeen, the spread eagle,” Tahani scowled. 

“Artistic differences,” Eleanor quipped. 

“ _I betcha you would have done... the same!_ ” They all sang the final line in unison.

The music cut out with one last flourish as she shot upright in bed, heart pounding.

 _Goddamn_ , Mindy thought, _maybe I need to stop with the bedtime cocaine_. 

Then she realized what a completely ridiculous idea that was and passed out again.

 

 

 

 

Here is a [link](https://www.instagram.com/p/BtCbnTfgYcw/) to the picture this fic was based on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually really enjoyed writing this! It’s based on the picture. I know the Janet one was a little weird, but I spent a good twenty minutes rearranging the characters and figuring out the storylines and this was the only think that really worked for Janet. But thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!

**Author's Note:**

> I actually really enjoyed writing this! I know Janet's verse was a lil weird, as are some of the pairings, but I didn't want them to all be murdering each other.


End file.
